Stepparent to Stepchildren; There's A Monkey In the Middle
As a blended family of six we have had plenty of our fair share of ups and downs. From achievements to arguments, we've seen so much. Given this is a blended family there is always a sort of monkey in the middle scenario, a huge giant elephant sitting in the middle of the room. This is known as the 'step' syndrome. The word step applies to two different variants of this family system. A parent and a child. The older the child is the more difficult the transition can become. The hardest hit by this transition? The biological parent. They are in a sense...the monkey stuck in the middle of these two balance competing affections. Inevitably at some point it will become a tennis game, with you as the net. This happened with my family, especially with my oldest child and my new husband.
I met my husband 5 years ago. I knew he was the one I was going to be with, it sounds silly, but I just knew. I had spent 4 years by myself healing, soul searching, and spending time with my two children that were my reason for everything I worked so hard for. Sure it was very lonely at first, but as time went on it got easier. It got to the point where when I met my husband I feared what being with somebody would do to my now solid structure I had built. Of course all my worries were just my scared brain, like I said before I knew he was the one. Me knowing and my children accepting were two totally different ideas though. My youngest at the time was 7, she is very adaptable and very loving. My husband is a natural charmer so he won her over pretty quickly and they remain close to this day. My oldest however was 9, he was not so easy. While he has a very big heart and is a respectable kid, he didn't like another man coming into the picture. Since he was the oldest, he had been through everything with me from the beginning. While he tried to stay cool on the outside he also had a rage burning from all the confusion and questions he had that he was never able to fully get out. I knew he had some anger issues, and they would come out sometimes. The thing is, I didn't notice the issue as a full blown problem until my husband came along. He brought all this back up to the surface for my son. So now I have my son crying out for attention because of issues he had not dealt with yet, and I have my new husband who is receiving the brunt of this boys anger and hurt. So how do you balance the two? How do you make them both know that you understand? Most importantly.. How do you set boundaries?
Realistically your child just needs to know that they are still important to you. You have to be that firm yet loving still. You have to remember they have also been through alot, and they have much different minds compared to a more mentally mature adult. Although they may adapt, this is not always an easy transition for some children. My son had been bottling so much in that I'm almost afraid that if my husband hadn't come along, he would have carried it far into adulthood. Of course, that didn't make the huge blowout that resulted in all this building up a few years into the marriage any easier. On one hand, I am seeing my husband hurt because of my sons actions, and on the other, I still see my little boy that's crying out because he's hurting. It doesn't come out looking like hurt...more like anger..mean, ugly, anger. Because he is angry. This is the hardest part. Just know that it will get better but only if it is dealt with head on. Do not run from it, or try to bury it. That's only a band aid for the problem until eventually there is no band aid large enough to cover it. I had to set my limits. While letting my son know that I will always have his back and be there for him, but he is not going to put me in a place to choose between him and my husband. Especially when I know that my husband is a great man and has tried so hard with him. Here we are a few years later, and things have significantly improved. I know that my son loves him very much, it comes out in little ways, even though he doesn't say it outright all the time. They both are a lot closer now, and a lot of the animosity from my son is gone. While some is still there, I see it slowly dissolving over time. We now focus and deal with normal teenage hormones and emotions. My husband and him grow closer all the time, and it makes me happy to know that even though it was hard and took a toll on everybody, we were able to get past it and move on to a healthier more positive lifestyle. The children who felt so left behind and abandoned years ago, now know that they have a solid structure to depend on as they go through what is one of the most trying times of a child's life. Teenage years.
I met my husband 5 years ago. I knew he was the one I was going to be with, it sounds silly, but I just knew. I had spent 4 years by myself healing, soul searching, and spending time with my two children that were my reason for everything I worked so hard for. Sure it was very lonely at first, but as time went on it got easier. It got to the point where when I met my husband I feared what being with somebody would do to my now solid structure I had built. Of course all my worries were just my scared brain, like I said before I knew he was the one. Me knowing and my children accepting were two totally different ideas though. My youngest at the time was 7, she is very adaptable and very loving. My husband is a natural charmer so he won her over pretty quickly and they remain close to this day. My oldest however was 9, he was not so easy. While he has a very big heart and is a respectable kid, he didn't like another man coming into the picture. Since he was the oldest, he had been through everything with me from the beginning. While he tried to stay cool on the outside he also had a rage burning from all the confusion and questions he had that he was never able to fully get out. I knew he had some anger issues, and they would come out sometimes. The thing is, I didn't notice the issue as a full blown problem until my husband came along. He brought all this back up to the surface for my son. So now I have my son crying out for attention because of issues he had not dealt with yet, and I have my new husband who is receiving the brunt of this boys anger and hurt. So how do you balance the two? How do you make them both know that you understand? Most importantly.. How do you set boundaries?
Realistically your child just needs to know that they are still important to you. You have to be that firm yet loving still. You have to remember they have also been through alot, and they have much different minds compared to a more mentally mature adult. Although they may adapt, this is not always an easy transition for some children. My son had been bottling so much in that I'm almost afraid that if my husband hadn't come along, he would have carried it far into adulthood. Of course, that didn't make the huge blowout that resulted in all this building up a few years into the marriage any easier. On one hand, I am seeing my husband hurt because of my sons actions, and on the other, I still see my little boy that's crying out because he's hurting. It doesn't come out looking like hurt...more like anger..mean, ugly, anger. Because he is angry. This is the hardest part. Just know that it will get better but only if it is dealt with head on. Do not run from it, or try to bury it. That's only a band aid for the problem until eventually there is no band aid large enough to cover it. I had to set my limits. While letting my son know that I will always have his back and be there for him, but he is not going to put me in a place to choose between him and my husband. Especially when I know that my husband is a great man and has tried so hard with him. Here we are a few years later, and things have significantly improved. I know that my son loves him very much, it comes out in little ways, even though he doesn't say it outright all the time. They both are a lot closer now, and a lot of the animosity from my son is gone. While some is still there, I see it slowly dissolving over time. We now focus and deal with normal teenage hormones and emotions. My husband and him grow closer all the time, and it makes me happy to know that even though it was hard and took a toll on everybody, we were able to get past it and move on to a healthier more positive lifestyle. The children who felt so left behind and abandoned years ago, now know that they have a solid structure to depend on as they go through what is one of the most trying times of a child's life. Teenage years.
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