Kids Love Trust

                                                        Kids Love Trust

            When our oldest child became of age to get his driving permit we were trying to figure out how we would get him a car. I always liked the idea of the kids having a car throughout their teenage years. I always felt it was safer and it would help in some situations that might be rough. They would never be stuck somewhere if they wanted to leave. Being tight on money and already holding down our own car payment was enough though. Then, when he was fifteen his estranged dad passed away and left his car behind that was given to our son. This was a nicer car than I had for sure. My husband drives a lot for work so he gets the newer car that we are still paying on and I still have my sixteen year old car that I’ve had for the last fifteen years. I’m so fond of it because it is cheap to fix and own and also no longer has payments. I am not so fond that it has been well driven and through a lot. While it is not falling apart, it definitely has its sore spots. It has been through four kids, ubering to make ends meet, and two teenagers learning to drive. I know it is old and slightly beaten, but it is the first car I bought and paid for completely on my own years before as a single mom. It has huge sentimental value to me!

After my son was given his dad’s car some of my friends started making a few comments about how I should have kept that car and given my son my old one or that I should sell it. I honestly never expected that reaction, I had never even thought of that nor did it ever cross my mind. Why would I take away something that was not given to me or that I had any right to take away? Was it because it was newer and my car was much older and worn? To my son this was much more than just a nice car. He would have gladly driven my old car around if I had decided to get a new one. He felt like he had a little part of his dad with him in this car. That meant the world to me because I saw how much he struggled when his dad passed away.

Their words got to me though, just in a way they probably didn’t expect. I started thinking about all the different ways it would hurt my son to take that car from him and all the ways that it would only benefit me while hurting him. Do some people really see nothing wrong with this? I have never been in a competition to own the best, I like nice things just like most, but I am not willing to step on someone (let alone my own flesh and blood) to get it. I would push my car to get where I needed to go before I would take something from my child. I told him after I had those few conversations with my friends that I would never take that car from him. He may get grounded from it, but never would I personally take it over. That is his car. Even two years later when he found himself in a bad position for some bad decisions that he made I never took that car. I did go and picked up the car (to save the towing bill that would have still been in my name) at this time he had just turned eighteen. That next day after he made it back home he asked me for a ride to the school for a senior football meeting. I went and got his keys, and although it was one of the hardest things I could do, I handed them to him. He didn’t expect this at all. I told him I had made him a promise and that it was his car. I did add that maybe he should avoid doing anything stupid on the way to the school, but this was for my own anger and disappointment with his situation. He was eighteen now and needed to learn some things on his own.  

 When you take things from your children that are rightfully theirs without a reasonable explanation it causes a huge trust issue to start without you ever even realizing it. Taking something away if they are grounded or in trouble is one thing, but to take it away and act like it is yours is traumatizing for them. There is no excuse. It doesn’t matter that you birthed them or took care of them, you did that, and expecting what’s theirs is yours in return is manipulative and cruel. If it was given to the child, it is theirs. The only part a parent is responsible for is to be sure they have the tools to utilize the gift, and to be sure they are mature enough to handle it. Gifts can be anything of value or just money itself. I feel as though some people think that because you have a child that you own them, this is a behavior that can backfire years down the road when those trust issues have really set in. 

I always wanted to be the mom that my kids would really genuinely love and trust. I try to be fair and understanding while also knowing that I must make sure that they have a safe place where they can go, even as adults, if they ever needed that safe feeling from the world. If I had taken the last thing he managed to get from his dad, he would never forgive or trust me. I for one would not be super excited to battle that one out with an already angry emotional teenager. It has been almost three years now since he inherited his dads car. He has finished high school and has moved on to play college football. He still has the car. I have fixed it, maintained it, and even put the front end back together (that I learned on YouTube) after he got in a small accident and didn’t have the thousands of dollars to fix it that the shop wanted. I did all of this because I know how important it is to him.

This has built a foundation of trust and understanding between my son and I. He knows that I will always try to help him with his situations. He also knows that I would never betray him for my own self-serving reasons. I did not know that one of those mom friends that I had the conversation with told my son what she told me. She also told him that if it was her son he would be riding around in her beat up car and she would be driving the nicer car. He had thought about this for years! He finally told me when we had a talk not too long ago. He said after that he was always scared I would take the car from him. It took him a long time to feel secure and confident in knowing it was actually his. If he reacted this way over my friend saying this to him, I couldn’t imagine the pain of me actually doing that to him.

Sometimes we don’t understand what repercussions can actually come from decisions and unsolicited or unknowing advice. What started as a backhanded comment from a conversation spiraled into one of the biggest lessons I learned as a parent. Trust is probably one of the most powerful things a parent can give their child. If you give your child trust, I believe you can get through almost anything just simply because they trust you to be there for them and help guide them. They know you won’t take from them or use them. They look up to you and this will continue on as they grow. When they want to go the right way, even if they haven’t been on the right path, they will look for you because they trust you to help guide them to the right way.

It is so hard as a parent these days! Schools are rough, bullies are real, and the societal turmoil that is going on is all enough for these kids. Kids are going to have issues along the way while growing up. The old ideas of how school, friends, and society work are not entirely up to date at all. They will be confused enough in this world. Giving them a safe trusting place is so vital to good mental health. Love is always important for kids, but trust is the one key ingredient you need to achieve true love.